Asphalt Pie

Ever eaten asphalt? I just did. My neighbor was outside with her two little boys, who I love to play with because they're so darn cute, and I decided to show the older one some of my old skateboarding moves. Well, that wasn't so bad, but then I got a hold of his little scooter; you know, those little tiny things that fold up, that every kid has these days? So, I figured I would mess around on this for a little while, because it was different from the kind of scooter I grew up with; mine had inflatable wheels and hand brakes.

Anyway, I started doing little bunny hops on it and thought it might be fun to jump over something. So I put a banana peel on the ground for my obstacle (I had just finished eating a banana - and I know it's small, but it's not like I was trying to jump the Eiffel Tower or anything). My first jump was a bit timid. I made it over with the front wheels, but the back wheels touched the banana peel. Well, I was determined to jump higher next time, much higher, and to clear the thing. So I did. And I made it! It was an awesome, flawless jump, with great air, and a clean landing. What more could I ask for? How about dessert?

I attempted a third jump. Picture this in your mind's eye, if you will: my neighbor sitting on the curb with her two little boys, a banana peel only 5 feet in front of them on the street, and me - their 32-year-old neighbor trying to do tricks on a scooter. Here I come, from down the street, picking up speed as I kick and kick to get the scooter going. As I get closer I'm sure that I have some sort of strange look of concentration on my face as I prepare to jump the banana peel. I jump. Time slows down. I land not so much on the scooter, as on the street (somehow I pulled the scooter out too far in front of me and I wasn't able to stick the landing properly), my feet hitting the ground first, then my left knee, my left hip, left elbow, and left palm of the hand. My right arm flails about aimlessly for a moment until it, too, hits the road suddenly. My head does not seem to touch the earth, but my sunglasses go flying a good three feet in the direction that I had been traveling, as well as my hair, which flips up toward the top of my head, covering my face and the look of surprise from having biffed it instead of sticking it.

Yes, this is what happened to me only a few minutes ago. Unfortunately my neighbor did not have her camera or a video camera on me, or I would have posted it. If it didn't win $10,000 it would have at least gotten a lot of laughs. Fortunately, though, our other neighbor was just coming out of her house right after this happened and was able to clean up my wounds (which hurt pretty bad, by the way). I expect very little sympathy for doing such a dumb thing, although I wouldn't mind getting some meals out of this from the church! ;)